MOVIE-POCALYPSE NOW: 2015 BEST AND WORST IN FILM

Increasingly dissatisfied with the self-indulgent Academy Awards and the endless knock-offs like the Golden Globes, MOVIE-POCALYPSE NOW is recognizing and awarding its own new self-indulgent award for excellence, or lack thereof, in film entertainment.  The only qualification for consideration is that it is a film that was released between January 1—December 31, 2015.  The categories are arbitrary, exhaustive, and subject to my own sense of whimsy.  Most categories I chose to count down from 5 to 1 with 1 being the best.  Often the degree of separation between any of them was almost imperceptible.  A handful of categories I was unable to come up with 5 and a couple have as many as 10 to mention.

So, without further ado, let me welcome you to the first-ever APOCALYPSOS!

BEST FILM NOBODY ELSE SAW
All movie buffs know that every year there are movies we see that we love but it seems like nobody else saw them–and often are completely unaware of their existence.  This is an opportunity for me highlight five such movies.

5. THE INTERN 
A smart, funny, and touching story about a retired widower (Robert DeNiro) who becomes an intern for a young online business mogul (Anne Hathaway).
4. THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
As far as I'm concerned this stylish and funny spy flick was about as flawless of a television series adaptation as I've ever seen.
3. DANNY COLLINS
Al Pacino starred in this film about an aging pop singer who attempts to recapture the authenticity he gave up as a young man in pursuit of fame.  Surprisingly heartwarming and not unintentionally cheesy at all.
2. INFINITELY POLAR BEAR
Mark Ruffalo gave an amazing performance in this story about a bi-polar father in the less-enlightened 1970s doing his best to raise his children right.
1. LOVE, THE COOPERS
A series of Christmas vignettes that synch up together to present  an exceptionally well-done and touching story about family dynamics.

BEST FILM
Taking into account the writing, directing, acting, and overall storytelling approach and style, I think these five rise to the top for me for 2015.

5. EX MACHINA
Chilling exploration of what it means to be human but also what it means to be a sociopath.
4. BRIDGE OF SPIES
Spielberg does not really know how to make bad movies, but even by Spielberg standards this is an exceptional Cold War story with strong thematic relevance to today.
3. THE HATEFUL EIGHT
Another Tarantino masterpiece of film-making.  Over 3 hours long and riveting from the opening shot to the final.
2. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
I was so surprised by how good this one was. This was a truly unique film experience like I've never had before.
1. STEVE JOBS
Brilliant film biography.  A masterpiece of character study in three acts.

BEST DIRECTOR

5. Bill Pohlad (LOVE AND MERCY)
The director flourishes and choices in structuring this unusual and compelling biography of The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson stands out from nearly all other directing jobs of 2015.
4. Steven Spielberg (BRIDGE OF SPIES)
Spielberg's visual style has become so well-known that I think people have begun to forget how good he is.Under a different director, this movie could have been excruciatingly dull but instead it was riveting.
3. Quentin Tarantino (THE HATEFUL EIGHT)
The visual texturing in this film is unparalleled and Tarantino once again proves his mastery of the long take and symphonic character dialogue.
2. Danny Boyle (STEVE JOBS)
Brilliant and original approach to biography was visually exhilarating.
1. George Miller (MAD MAX: FURY ROAD)
A master class on visual storytelling by George Miller.

BEST WRITING

5. INSIDE OUT
It may be an animated film, but the writing was particularly brilliant.
4. MR. HOLMES
3. EX MACHINA
2. INFINITELY POLAR BEAR
1. THE BIG SHORT
Taking the subprime mortgage debacle of 2007-2008 and making it comprehensible and entertaining requires this win for Best Writing.

BEST ACTING

5. Ian McKellan (MR. HOLMES)
McKellan gives a charming and touching performance as an aged Sherlock Holmes battling the onset of dementia.
4. Mark Ruffalo (INFINITELY POLAR BEAR)
Heartbreaking and heartwarming performance—sometimes simultaneously.
3. Paul Dano (LOVE AND MERCY)
An externalized performance of a man living inside his own head.  As the younger Brian Williams (John Cusak plays the older) Dano sympathetically plays our emotions as Williams battles his own.
2. Michael Fassbender (STEVE JOBS)
Fassbender charismatically captures the viewers' attention and never lets us look away.
1. Mark Rylance (BRIDGE OF SPIES)
Rylance gives the most incredible under-performance of the year as the self-controlled and quietly bemused Soviet spy Rudolf Abel.



BEST ACTING IN AN OTHERWISE AWFUL MOVIE
Nobody tries to make a bad movie, but bad movies get made anyway.  However, sometimes even within the worst of movies there are actors who act the shit out of their role.  In fact, they often feel as if they are in a completely different movie because they are acting on a completely separate plane from the other actors.  Here are two standouts from 2015:

2. Hugh Jackman (PAN)
In what is arguably one of the worst films of the year, Jackman stood out from the crap surrounding him to deliver a ridiculously nuanced performance that could have easily become over-the-top but never did. 
1. Cate Blanchett (TRUTH)
Portraying Mary Mapes, who appears to me to be a dishonest and wretched person in real life, Blanchett gave a powerfully effective and emotional performance in this misguided attempt to rewrite history in Mapes' favor.


BEST ANIMATED

4. THE PEANUTS MOVIE
I wasn't expecting to like this one as much as I did.  But it perfectly captured the spirit and tone of Peanuts and without any cynicism.
3. SHAUN THE SHEEP MOVIE
I didn't have a clue what this was going in and was pleasantly surprised.  The fact that they could have me laughing out loud at this cartoon, with no dialogue, about a sheep taking a trip to the city, is a testament to how good it is.
2. HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2
Genndy Tartakovsky directed this brilliantly funny film with magnificent character designs—particularly Grampa Drac voiced by Mel Brooks.
1. INSIDE OUT
One of the smartest movies of the year.

BIGGEST SURPRISE
Every year there are movies that surprise me.  Sometimes it's simply because I went in completely unaware. Sometimes it's because I had lowered expectations.  Whatever the reason, these are the 5 biggest surprises of 2015:

5. MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS
I watched the first MAZE RUNNER movie and it was okay, but mostly forgettable.  So, I was not particularly looking forward to the sequel.  But surprise!  This one was fun, exciting, and unpredictable.  Loved it.
4. PAWN SACRIFICE
A movie about chess that is riveting from start to finish? Color me surprised.
3. CINDERELLA
Disney is cynically recycling their old classic animated movies by remaking them into live-action films.  Last year's MALEFICENT was disappointing but this one was exceptionally well-done.
2. THE GIFT
I had no idea what this was about and was shocked by this tense and disturbing film.
1. ANT-MAN
It's a Marvel super-hero movie, so I knew it would be good.  But if someone had tried to convince me that it would be the single best super-hero movie of the year, I would've said they were crazy.  But this is the single best super-hero movie of the year—even better than AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.


BEST MOVIES THAT I DID NOT SEE
Every year there are movies that I did not get around to watching or chose not to see, for a variety of reasons.

5. THE REVENANT
I know it's supposed to be amazing. I cannot muster any interest.
4. MOCKINGJAY PART 2
Something keeps happening that keeps me from making the effort to see this one, which is weird considering how much I have enjoyed the HUNGER GAMES movies and the books.  Perhaps the depressing ending that I know is coming is preventing me from seeing the movie.
3. TRUMBO
I really want to see this one but it has only been at the art cinema that requires a bit of a drive to get to.  During the holiday season, this has just been too difficult to get to.  I wish it had been in wider release.
2. BEASTS OF NO NATION
I hear nothing but good stuff about this one, but I confess that the topic makes me a bit queasy and I have not been able to muster up the motivation to subject myself to it.
1. AMY
Came and went too fast from the art cinema.


MOST SHOCKING

THE OVERNIGHT
The sight of nude Jason Schwartzman, with a prosthetic giant penis, and Adam Scott, with a prosthetic micro-penis, dancing poolside is only one of many reasons this movie shocked the hell out of me.

FUNNIEST MOVIE (INTENTIONALLY)
Comedies that try to be funny and actually succeed are rare these days.

5. DADDY'S HOME
This should have been too stupid to be funny but instead it has real heart and legitimately had me laughing out loud.
4. WEDDING RINGER
This one also should have been too stupid to be funny but the comedy chemistry between Kevin Hart  and Josh Gad was strong enough to overcome the stupid.
3. PITCH PERFECT 2
When I went to see the worst film of the year, I walked out of it halfway through and heard this one starting in the theater directly across.  So I just slipped in and found myself laughing....a lot. Really funny and the music was great too.
2. SPY
Hilarious and smart funny.
1. WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
Mostly improvised mockumentary about vampire flatmates in New Zealand.  Funniest movie of the year.

FUNNIEST MOVIE (UNINTENTIONALLY)
Movies that try to be serious but are so absurd that they become a comedy are always a cinematic treat.

2. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
I was literally laughing out loud during this, supposedly, sex-based drama.
1. TRUTH
This overly earnest pile of bullshit attempting to retroactively salvage the reputations and careers of Mary Mapes and Dan Rather was not only hilarious but had me openly talking back to the screen incredulously in the thankfully empty theater.

LEAST FUNNY COMEDY
Some movies try so hard to be funny but still no laughs are to be had.

5. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2
The movie so unfunny that the star of the original wouldn't even appear in it.
4. TED 2
Sometimes funny ideas are only funny enough for one movie.
3. UNFINISHED BUSINESS
Ugh. Vince Vaughn.  What happened to you?
2. PIXELS
Adam Sandler's spectacularly bad attempt at remaking GHOSTBUSTERS.
1. ENTOURAGE
So unfunny I walked out halfway through.

Lord, let's hope the ride is finally over.

CREDIT FOR TRYING
MAGGIE
Schwarzenegger works really hard to do some acting in this film about a father whose daughter is becoming a zombie. 

FUN BUT FORGETTABLE
 These movies don't have to be particularly well-done or even good.  They just need to be something that was fun while watching them but disappear from my mind almost immediately afterward and don't really have any inclination to ever watch again.

5. VACATION
4. KRAMPUS
3. RICKI AND THE FLASH
2. MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE–ROGUE NATION
1. GOOSEBUMPS

MOST MEH
These movies are actually well-done films but for whatever inexplicable reason they just don't have that resonance or impact that I think the filmmakers were trying for and they ultimately just get lost in the mass of movies.

5. A WALK IN THE WOODS
4. WOMAN IN GOLD
3. JOY
2. AGE OF ADALINE
1. FOCUS

LAMEST MOVIE

These are movies that had everything going for them in terms of budget and talent to deliver something good but didn't even have the ability to drop a giant turd onto movie screens.  Instead, we just get something depressingly lame that makes us all sad that we experienced it.

10. THE NIGHT BEFORE
9. OLD FASHIONED
8. ALOHA
7. THE DUFF
6. VACATION
5. PROJECT ALMANAC
4. SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER
3. UNFINISHED BUSINESS
2. BURNT
1. MORTDECAI

STUPIDEST MOVIE
You know those occasional movies that entertain the hell out of you but are so unbelievably stupid that you walk out of the theater having lost anywhere from 1 to 10 points off your IQ?  If you watched these three movies in 2015, you are stupider than you were in 2014 because of it.  Perhaps a class-action suit could be filed against Hollywood? And yes, The Rock is in two of them.  I don't know what that means but it must mean something.

3. SAN ANDREAS
I. Just. Can. Not. Even.
2. TERMINATOR GENYSIS
WTF?
1. FURIOUS 7
Everything about this movie rocked my world, and I have the brain leakage to prove it.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to a movie is to have high audience expectations.  Occasionally a movie exceeds those high expectations (STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, I am looking at you).  More often, the movie fails to meet those expectations and sometimes shockingly so.

2. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON
Unfortunately, the "too many cooks in the kitchen" disease appeared to prevent this sequel from achieving the expected heights of awesomeness.  However, while it was a big disappointment, it was still a decent movie.
1. TOMORROWLAND
This movie had everything going for it.  Ridiculously huge budget.  Cool concept.  Brilliant visual design and f/x. George Clooney as star. Brad Bird as director.  And yet, in every conceivable way in terms of story and storytelling it failed and failed and failed.  

MOST SELF-INDULGENT
There are few things I hate worse in movies than when it comes off like a piece of self-indulgence by the filmmakers.  In that, I mean something that just smacks of the filmmakers masturbating themselves on screen creatively rather than serving the audience.  Sometimes it can still be entertaining, but more often it makes the movie-going experience excruciating.

3. CRIMSON PEAK
I did enjoy this one, but I was constantly aware of everything about it being driven not by story but by Guillermo del Toro's own personal directorial fetishes.
2. BURNT
I'm not quite sure why Hollywood filmmakers have such a love affair with the absurdly over-wrought and narcissistic world of fine cuisine but they can stop anytime now.
1. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
What a stupid and insipid excuse for a movie that makes no sense, but acts as if it is brilliant, as it tries to twist the Frankenstein story around in what is essentially a vehicle for scenery-chewing James McAvoy to overact to the point of distraction.

MOST UNDERRATED
Movies that should be getting more attention and viewers than they did.

5. BRIDGE OF SPIES
4. FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD
3. THE INTERN
2. MR. HOLMES
1. STEVE JOBS


MOST OVERRATED
These are movies that the critics go crazy for that don't really deserve it.  That is not to say they are bad movies.  These are good movies; solidly well-made movies.  They are not, however, exceptional.

3. THE MARTIAN
Beautiful, fun, interesting, and mostly well-done with a few odd little flaws and plot holes that keep it from achieving excellence all around.
2. BROOKLYN
Good and engaging little historical love story but I cannot figure out at all what is so good about it to deserve the accolades and attention.
1. SPOTLIGHT
Well-done movie about the Boston Globe's investigation and expose' of the Catholic cover-up of priests sexually abusing children.  The subject matter is the only reason I can think of for why the critics keep zeroing in on this one as best of 2015.  There is nothing about the directing, writing, or acting that is anything other than journeyman film-making.  And there's nothing wrong with that, but it is not exceptional.  It is just a solid, respectable work of film-making.

WORST MOVIE THAT I ACTUALLY WATCHED
Most of the time when I see an awful movie, I kind of know going into it that it's going to be pretty bad.  I may hope to be surprised, but I rarely am.  Occasionally, however, even a bad movie can surpass my expectations to be worse than I thought it could be.

5. PAN
Convoluted mess.
4. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
Nothing in this film is good.
3. JUPITER ASCENDING
Excellent F/X but just dumb as can be.
2. FANTASTIC FOUR
Indescribably awful.
1. ENTOURAGE
Unbearable to the point that I actually walked out of it halfway through.

WORST THAT I DID NOT SEE
Sometimes movies are so obviously excruciatingly awful that even I, who enjoys bad movies sometimes, cannot make myself go see them.

5. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP
Just the trailer actually made me yell "NOOOOO" in a crowded theater.
4. HOT PURSUIT
3. MAGIC MIKE XXL
Clearly done for the money only as the original MAGIC MIKE ended in such a way that if Mike ever got back onstage it would be such a pathetically contrary choice that it would completely undercut the entire point of Soderbergh's original, and darkly compelling film.
2. JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS
After the experience of the FANTASTIC FOUR, there was no way I could sit down for another cartoon to movie abortion onscreen.
1. CHAPPIE


WORST DIRECTOR

4. Sam Taylor-Johnson (FIFTY SHADES OF GREY)
3. Joe Wright (PAN)
2. Paul McGuigan (VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN)
1. Josh Trank (FANTASTIC FOUR)

WORST ACTOR

5. Jamie Dornan (FIFTY SHADES OF GREY)
Smirking and showing your nipples is not acting.
4. Mila Kunis (JUPITER ASCENDING)
Can she actually act?  
3. Garrett Hedlund (PAN)
Really, he has to be seen to be believed.
2. James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliff (VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN)
I couldn't decide between the two, but trust me, they are both examples of the worst over-acting of the year.
1. Eddie Redmayne (JUPITER ASCENDING)
Yes.  Our 2014 Academy Award winning actor gave the 2015's worst performance as he sleepwalked and mumbled his way through this mess of a movie.  Huzzah!

zzzzzzzzzzzzz....

WORST WRITING

5. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
If the book writing is actually worse than the film adaptation then there really is no hope for this world.
4. TERMINATOR GENYSIS
Just no.
3. PAN
I defy anyone to explain what just happened.
2. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
Someone needed to take a red pen to this script early on and remove every stupid idea trying to masquerade as clever.  The move would've only been two minutes long though.
1. JUPITER ASCENDING
Believing you are writing something profound when it is actually mindless derivative drivel is the height of bad writing.

WORST ANIMATED

2. MINIONS
The movie that made me lose my affection for the minions.  A perfect example of too much of a good thing.
1. THE GOOD DINOSAUR
A colossal failure by Pixar.  Everything from concept to character design to final execution stunk.  The actual technical aspect of the animation was still exceptional. I guess it was inevitable but I wish I had not lived to see it happen. The opening short film was good.

HORRIBLE MOVIE TRAILERS THAT MADE ME WANT TO SET MY HAIR ON FIRE
The modern day movie trailers are mostly awful all around.  Hollywood trailer-making has forgotten the art of the tease, for the most part.  As soon as a trailer starts telling me the entire story then I lose my interest in ever seeing the movie because...what's the point?  There's also these repetitive patterns in which they cut certain trailers to stall out on a joke and eventually after the umpteenth time of seeing that trailer you start to dread the joke and then to hate the joke and then to hate the unseen movie.  And then there are trailers that you can just tell are trying to take a bad movie and make it look better than it is.  Those just irritate the hell out of me.  The worst are those that give away major plot points or jokes.  An example of that last year would be A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST where, literally, every single funny joke was shown in the trailer. Every. Damn. One.

10. TERMINATOR GENISYS
YOU FREAKING GAVE AWAY THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT PLOT SURPRISE IN THE DAMNED TRAILER!!!!!!!!!
9. PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2
Speechless.
8. THE LONGEST RIDE
Nicholas Sparks makes me vomit.
7. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS; THE ROAD CHIP


6. DO YOU BELIEVE?
Ted McGinley. 'Nuff said.
5. IN THE HEART OF THE SEA
You can try so hard to make me think this story is important and profound but all I'm thinking is....no it isn't.
4. CHAPPIE
I only felt angry and violated every time I was forced to sit through the garbage trailer for this piece of shit movie.
3. WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS
When you watch a trailer for the first time and it makes you hate the movie.
2. PAPER TOWNS
Too much in the trailer. Plus, its own sense of self-profundity was seeping out of every frame.
1. THE SECOND BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL
If I ever hear Dame Maggie say that stupid joke about the life-span of a wasp again, I will spontaneously combust, I swear!

MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2015

This is just a list of my favorite movies of the year.  This is not about what was the best or the worst, but simply movies I loved for reasons all my own.  I would, and will, watch these again at some point and recommend them.

In alphabetical order:
ANT-MAN, CREED, DANNY COLLINS, EX MACHINA, FAR FROM THE MADDING CROWD, THE HATEFUL EIGHT, HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2, INSIDE OUT, JURASSIC WORLD, KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE, LOVE AND MERCY, LOVE THE COOPERS, MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., MR. HOLMES, SICARIO, SPECTRE, STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, STEVE JOBS, STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON

And that's your first official APOCALYPSO Awards.  I hope to see you back here in 2017 when I look back at the movies of 2016.

FITTY SHADES O' CRAY-CRAY, or HOW BAD IS FIFTY SHADES....REALLY?

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
★★ out of ★★★★★

I never planned on seeing this movie and I most certainly was not planning to see it on Valentine's Day.  So, in the intervening couple of weeks since it premiered I have spent some time observing the reaction to the film and contemplating whether it was one of those awful movies that I should just bite the bullet and use my MoviePass to go see.  Of course, the danger is that I could walk in expecting the worst and end up with something like JUPITER ASCENDING which exceeded even that in its awfulness.  So I caved into my morbid curiosity and walked into a theater late last night to where I noted 4 other couples (kinky, I know) scattered strategically around the theater.  At this point in the rapidly collapsing attendance numbers, nobody was forced into sitting uncomfortably close to a stranger.

Oftentimes the first indicators of what I am about to endure in a theater is found in the movie trailers the powers-that-be have chosen to attach in front of the movie.  In this case, the ridiculously foul red band trailer for some upcoming Vince Vaughn movie and the regular trailer for TED 2.  That right there started lowering my expectations straight up.

Then the movie started and lo and behold, it is essentially EXACTLY what I expected.  Two fairly good actors caught like scared gerbils in a situation they can't get away from fast enough but giving it their best effort to find something resembling quality.  I'll say this, Dakota Johnson surprisingly brings a level of reality to her ridiculously simplistic character with the "laugh-out-loud" name of "Anastasia Steele."  The mere fact that anyone can say that name out loud without laughing (or cringing) is an impressive example of acting talent.  Jamie Dornan, as "Christian Grey," on the other hand, is trying his best but is unfortunately saddled with lines that would make Roger Corman turn over in his grave (if Corman were dead).  The absolute worst was Grey roaring "I'M FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKED UP!!!!"  And yes, I snorted embarrassingly out loud at that moment. I actually laughed inappropriately a number of times.

The movie almost kind of works as a parody.  The problem is that it is parodying itself so it is schizophrenically serious but ridiculous at the same time.  There were only 4 or 5 sex scenes crammed in between listless boredom. And the sex scenes were sometimes titillating, but that's all.  I was more distracted by the strategic cutting of the camera to avoid giving the movie an NC-17 rating by showing actual genitalia or penetration.  There is none to be had here. You will see more vagina in the half-second flash by Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT.  Other than relentless lingering shots of both actors' nipples and butts, the most you are going to see is quick-flash glimpses of their pubic hair.  I also took note of Dornan's face being positioned way too far away to actually be doing to her what she was acting like he was doing and also his butt being positioned way too high for actual penetration (unless he's built like Long Dong Silver).  So, in other words, their efforts at simulating these "hot" sexual experiences resulted instead in an erotic detachment.  The single sex scene between Jennifer Lopez and her boy-toy in the mostly forgettable THE BOY NEXT DOOR was more graphically erotic than all the sex scenes in this movie.  I would almost say the movie would have benefited by going ahead and pursuing the NC-17.  At least it would have more authentically embraced its source material rather than a nervous self-parody.

Ultimately, however, if we want to analyze the controversial nature of the film, it is less disturbing because of the sex and more because of the psychologically abusive relationship.  Christian Grey was the victim of sexual abuse by a trusted adult who seduced him when he was 15 and used him as her submissive sex slave until he was 21.  She turned him into a sociopath who craves nothing but dominance.  He feels nothing but anger and pain and derives pleasure from inflicting it.  In fact, near the end when he is whipping Anastasia with a belt, the camera keeps cutting back to the clothed Christian reacting absurdly like Rob Schneider's "Orgasm Guy" on Saturday Night Live.  None of this justifies Christian's psychological raping of the young Anastasia's mind.  By being the shy introverted bookworm's first sexual experience and her first boyfriend, like all sexual abusers, he is replicating his own abuse with her.  Only now, he is the victimizer.  He becomes obsessed with her, to be sure, but there is no emotional connection on his end and she, being so inexperienced and naive, begins to mistake her attraction to him for love -- which is what he wants.  When the sociopathic abuser can make his victim think she loves him, then he has achieved his goal. He has her caught in his web where he can now feed on her at his leisure and on his terms.  Even in the end when she rejects him, there is no sense that she is leaving for good.  He has her where he wants her.  He knows she will always return.  And, like a good sociopath, this is all he really wants. There is no give and take in the relationship because there is no real relationship.  She serves a purpose for him and him alone and he does not have any concern for pleasuring her -- except as a means to further attach her to him.  All of this, by the way, is contrary to any real understanding of BDSM as a lifestyle between committed couples.  In Grey's case, the BDSM is merely an intriguing tool of seduction so the emotional vampire can be satiated and he can convince himself that he is powerful and in control (as a reaction to the 6 years he was a powerless victim himself).

It's all quite preposterous that so much of his time could be spent in these endeavors all while achieving billionaire status by age 27 and barely be seen spending any time actually doing his job.  I never believed him in that role as opposed to Anastasia's role as shy college student with butchered bangs -- she was imminently believable.  And from a personal standpoint, after actually seeing this, it is pretty shocking to me that the fantasy of subjugation by a sociopathic abuser appears to be the preferred fantasy of so many women out there. It is so contrary to what I would desire for any woman I care about.  In the end, however, the film itself suffers from the worst sin possible -- it is dull and boring most of the time.  It was less than 2 hours but felt like 3 and that's pretty bad.  I think there was an approach here that could have been good, but it would have required a wholesale rewrite of the entire story so that we actually got real characters and not caricatures.  They chose to play it safe, however, so that the studio could be more confident of making a profit.  But artistically, this is a movie that thinks it is clever just to frame shots and sets with a lot of gray.  It would have benefited from a director with a real personal style and approach who could have given this movie a heightened reality sense -- brought us into another world that is more exciting than our own.  A better director could have made us feel the pleasure and taste the sensations so we would find ourselves in Anastasia's place and experiencing her attraction and revulsion.  Instead, we got lingering shots of boobs, butts, abs, and watery Christian Grey eyes with no sparkle and a smarmy boyish smirk.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is watchable but forgettable and not anything I can really recommend.

OLD FASHIONED Film Review ★★ out of ★★★★★

OLD FASHIONED
★★ out of ★★★★★

This is a movie about 2 damaged people who take a less-than-normal path to fall in love. It's no spoiler to say that they fall in love. This is an intentional and explicitly "Christian Romance" movie marketed, in very groan-inducing ways, as a Christian alternative to FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (a film I should be seeing in a few days for contrast).

The plot, such as it is, tells the story of Clay and Amber. Amber, just off an emotionally and physically abusive relationship takes off on her own to a small town to start over. There she rents the upstairs apartment owned by Clay who also owns the antique store below. Amber is worldly wise and outgoing. Clay is an odd introverted duck who keeps to himself and conducts himself insufferably with an odd set of obnoxiously off-putting rules about his interactions with women. For 9 years, he has holed himself up like a hermit and annoyed the living Hell out of everyone around him with using God, the Bible, and his made-up rules about courtship, love, and marriage as a barrier to expressing any real emotion or allowing himself to be emotionally vulnerable or intimate with a woman on any level.

Why, you may ask? A really bad break-up.

So, the movie is really about us watching this completely self-absorbed paragon of self-appointed virtue lording his bizarre fake chivalry under the guise of respecting Amber, when he's actually disrespecting her. What he is actually doing is using his obsessive compulsive disorder and fear of attachment issues as a "Rebel Without A Cause" outcast with deeply hidden feelings as fishbait to hook her attention and then proceeds to demand that if she wants to be with him she has to cowtow to his endless, and inconsistent (sometimes incoherent) absurd list of rules.

He is surrounded by his long-suffering best friends. One of whom is in a committed long-term relationship (unmarried) and raising their child together. The other is an obnoxious radio talk-show host supposedly in the style of the revolting misogynistic Tom Leykis Show. Unfortunately, this being a Christian movie, the guy's show is actually just absurdly hilarious in how tame it actually is even though everyone listening acts like it's incredibly offensive.

 They also surround Amber with 2 new friends who I have to assume he just cast from the pews of some random local church. Ugh. Oh yes, also Clay takes care of his elderly Aunt who had me wanting to leave the theater if she said "tuh-maters" one more damn time!!!! 

75% of this movie is excruciating. Basically anything that involved the lead actor, the writing, the directing, and producing (coincidentally the same guy, Rik Swartzwelder, for all of that) made me want to set my hair on fire. The other 25% that was not excruciating was because of the very charming and likeable lead actress, Elizabeth Roberts and the moment near the end where the annoying Aunt finally tells Clay off about what an incredible twit he is and how his narcissistic self-absorption is preventing him from living the life God put him on this planet for in the first place.

Basically, the deal is, there is a good movie idea buried in here. The flaws that make it excruciating to watch are the result of the execution of the idea and the eyeroll-inducing sepia-warm filter placed on the outdoor scenes, and the rocking chairs on the porch, and the grating soft guitar pluck music played under every conversation. And the dialogue is so hackneyed that I was cringing half the time. Really, only Elizabeth Roberts seems to be able to rise above the script to bring some sparkle and energy to an otherwise listlessly paced story.

 But that good idea kept poking at me as I watched it. I kept wondering to myself as my mind wandered at times about how this could be so easily turned into something awesome. First of all, it needed to have a sense of humor! This movie is so relentlessly serious it is painful. This is a crazy guy obsessed with being "old-fashioned". Have some fun with that!!! Second, they need to hand that script over to director Paul Feig (who directed BRIDESMAIDS among others) and let him massage the script and find those points where real circumstantial and character humor would best fit. Then dump this cast completely and replace them like this: Amber needs to be Jennifer Aniston. Clay needs to be Owen Wilson. Clays best friends need to be Kevin Hart as his good friend in the long-term relationship and Bradley Cooper needs to play the misogynistic radio host. Cloris Leachman needs to be the annoying aunt.

Hollywood really needs to take this and run with it. I think the idea of a guy and a girl damaged by life and love and one of them decides he is going to obsessively (and obnoxiously) commit himself to a distorted form of chivalry that never actually existed is gold. But this version of it should never have made it into theaters. It is, at best, a discount bin DVD in a Christian bookstore movie or something you might check out from your own church library.

I really can't recommend it because 75% excruciating is really too much for most people to waste their $10-$15 on. But then again, I did see JUPITER ASCENDING....and it made this movie seem like CITIZEN KANE, so.... maybe some of you might want to see it. I don't want to see it again.

#oldfashionedmovie

THE IDENTICAL Film Review

THE IDENTICAL
★★ out of ★★★★★

I walked into this one blissfully unaware of anything other than that it was a movie about an identical twin of an Elvis knock-off.  What I got was one of those rare gems of a movie so awful but just ever so clumsily earnest that it deserves to be seen by those with an ironic sense of humor.  I could almost call it an instant ironic cult classic.  Now it’s primary target audience, which is clearly supposed to be the same Christian audience who church out en masse to any movie marketed as “faith-based”, but those who are going to appreciate the true entertainment value are going to be those of us who can humorously appreciate a serious effort by the clueless.

There’s so much about this, that I don’t even know where to start other than a quick synopsis.  THE IDENTICAL is essentially a “what if?” story that asks “What if Elvis Presley’s twin brother had not actually died as an infant but rather been given away and raised by another family?” However, in this movie, the pastiche of Elvis (The King) Presley is “Drexell (The Dream) Hemsley”  and his secret twin brother is “Ryan (The Identical) Wade.”  Both Drexell and Ryan are portrayed by Elvis impersonator Ryan Pelton now relaunching himself with this film as a Christian singer named Blake Rayne.   As a work of speculative fiction, this actually has the potential for a really good story.  This film is not it, but it does have its own charm, which I will get into in a bit.

The beginning of the film is set during the Great Depression when a young couple, the Hemsleys, give birth to twins.  They cannot afford to feed four mouths and at a Tent Revival, the father believes God to be telling him to give one of his sons to the childless traveling Evangelist and his barren wife.  This way he knows his son, Dexter Ryan, will be raised by Godly parents.  Reverend Wade promises not to tell Ryan he was adopted until both his birth parents have passed away and he dedicates the boy to God. Fast forward to Ryan’s childhood and you see the Reverend believing and pushing Ryan towards the ministry but Ryan clearly does not have the knack for it, but he certainly has a knack for singing and tapping his feet to the beat.  Fast forward to Ryan’s teens and the good-hearted, but slightly rebellious son keeps slipping out to the rhythm and blues “honky tonks” on the wrong side of the tracks where he is drawn to the music but doesn’t know why.  In all this though, he never drinks alcohol or smokes cigarettes.  See? He’s rebellious but not bad.  He’s rebellious because his call is to music but his dad keeps pushing him to follow in his steps as a minister.

Over the course of the rest of the film, it tracks along with Drexell’s career and Ryan’s purposeless and meandering adult life as he tries to just plug on through but cannot seem to nail down what he’s supposed to do.  And, of course, it doesn’t help that everyone is always carrying on about how much he looks like Drexell Hemsley.  It is Ryan’s wife who knows that the only fulfillment her husband will feel is going to be on stage and creating music and she encourages him to try out for a Drexell look-alike/sound-alike contest, which, of course, he wins.  And from there he builds his own career as a Drexell knock-off, which has its own ups and downs.  In the end, the resolution revolves around him accepting himself for who he is and just doing what he loves to do, not for the money or the fame but because it’s what he is supposed to do.  He finds his purpose and place and happiness finally in the end.

On the positive side, the movie has a good heart to it.  It has a nice message, although it gets convoluted.  The guy playing Ryan is about as good an actor as Elvis was, so there’s almost a point where you think it’s an intentionally meta thing.   But it’s not.  He’s just not an actor, but he has to carry the whole film.  Thankfully, he is kind of likeable – in a schlubby kind of way and there are times where he looks uncannily like Elvis.  He does a decent singing impression too.  The odd thing about that is that…IT’S NOT ELVIS.   Since it’s not Elvis, why make the character sound like him to such an extent?  I had almost bought into the idea that this is an alternate universe type of thing and that would explain it, but then they tossed in a throw-away line referencing Elvis and the Beatles and that brought the entire Drexell Hemsley concept crashing down.  That was a huge mistake.  Drexell and Elvis could not co-exist like that and be believable, and that’s when my strained commitment to the story started totally unraveling.

At that point I was there primarily for Ray Liotta who gives a fantastic and moving performance throughout the entire film.  His Reverend Wade grounds the film in his emotional reality and helps you forget the other nonsense because every time they cut back to him, he is authentically in the moment emotionally and you buy into the reality.  Ashley Judd is one-note, but nice, as Liotta’s wife and Ryan’s mom.  Joe Pantoliano slums it here as a car mechanic, mentor, and friend to Ryan.  And I don’t know what the hell Seth Green is in this movie for!  He plays a childhood friend of Ryan’s and really just…I just don’t know.  The rest of the film is populated with oddly out of place and amateurish actors – most notably the guy with the pompadour who plays Ryan’s manager.  He is laughably awful and needs more work.  He should star in SHARKNADO 3 but I suspect he doesn’t realize he’s bad.  He came off like he thinks he is a master thespian.  Yeah. One of those.

There are also some truly odd things just tossed into the film blender that had absolutely no bearing to the story.  There’s some bizarre Zionist bent that’s like pro-Israel bumper stickers on a car.  I’m not against bringing in the idea that Ryan’s birth parents were a Christian father and a Jewish mother.  It just seems like there should be an explanation of why that matters rather than just making the statement as if it has some great meaning.  As well, a character points out that both Drexell and Ryan wear a Jewish “Chai” symbol as a pendant necklace.  However, there’s no explanation for the fact that the “Chai” symbol means “life”.  I had to look that up afterwards.   And I’m still not exactly sure of the significance to the story but the characters acted like it meant something.  And most inexplicable was that during the 60s montage, they completely skipped over…oh…the Bay of Pigs, Kennedy’s assassination, Viet-Nam, MLK’s assassination, but stopped the movie completely to focus on news reports about the 6-Day War in Israel and even cut to Reverend Wade giving an impassioned sermon calling for another Hannukah miracle for Israel.

It was all quite bizarre.

Another amusing tidbit that finally drove home to me the reality that all I was watching was an extended promotional peace for “something” was the scene where Ryan finally has written, recorded, and pressed his own original album of songs under his own name.  He takes it to a record company called “City of Peace Productions” and has an exchange there where the white-haired producer tells him his song “City Lights” (imagine it in the style of the “In the Ghetto” era for Elvis) is a guaranteed hit and offers him lots of cash to buy the song so that Drexell Hemsley can record it.  Then I remembered that when the movie started and they flashed the logo for the production company that made the movie, it was called “City of Peace” replete with another Hebrew symbol (I don't think it's the "Chai" as it looks different from the pendant) prominently displayed.  Then afterwards when I went online I discovered that, yes, City of Peace is producing “Blake Rayne” as a recording artist and they are planning to release “City of Lights” as a single.

It’s an awful movie, to be sure, but there’s something actually charming in its awfulness and in its deliberately crass attempt at marketing and pushing some vague Messianic-Jewish agenda.  For at least the first half of the movie I thought it was self-aware in the way it was replicating the naïve low-brow charm of the early Elvis movies, but as it went on I realized it was clear that the director simply doesn’t seem to really understand the difference between those films and reality.  So, it’s a different type of naiveté and there’s an amateurish charm to that.

One last thing, by removing Elvis and his songs from the equation, they also remove all the sexual implications and naughtiness of those early rock-n-roll songs and give us these cleaned up knock-offs like “Boogie Woogie Rock-N-Roll” and “Bee-Boppin’ Baby,” neither of which would have likely gotten much air play back in the day.  At the same time that they are attempting to market the entire film and music off of completely ripping off Elvis and his music, they fail to achieve anything substantively successful by their utter lack of charismatic energy and understanding of what made Elvis, well, “The King.”

And that should really tell you just about all you need to know.

CHEF and MALEFICENT Reviews!

CHEF
★★★★1/2 out of ★★★★★

Very succinctly, this is the most charming and legitimately funny comedy so far this year.

I don't want to say too much about this one because I just want everyone to go see it and enjoy it like I did. This movie is so perfectly put together that watching it is like sitting down to a full course dinner topped with a nice after-dinner wine.

Chef Carl Caspar has spent the last 10 years of his career subjugating his own dreams and desires to the over-controlling owner of a posh Los Angeles restaurant. In this metaphor for everyone else's mid-life crises, we watch his career (and self-confidence) implode as he is pushed to rediscover his passion and his true self. His path to fullness is paralleled in a food truck trek across the country with his son, who he had previously been at best an absentee dad after his divorce.

Along the way we are inundated with real belly laughs that arise out of honest circumstances and true character moments. Damaged relationships are repaired and the path to happiness is restored as a hard truth takes hold: Happiness and satisfaction will always elude those who never pursue their dreams.

Also, there is absolutely no way to walk out of this movie without a craving for a Cubano sandwich. Thankfully, we have an excellent foot truck in Austin, Texas that serves Cubanos.

One other note, I went to see this film at a local theater in Austin and I wish that director and star Jon Favreau could've been in there because the audience was enthralled. They were interactive and reactive through out the entire film and especially when the road trip made its way into Austin and the truck pulled up to Austin's famous Franklin's Barbeque (voted best barbeque in the entire country by The Foodist at Bon Appetit). There were cheers and whoops of enthusiasm throughout the entire Austin segment.

This movie exemplifies so much of what is missing from so many Hollywood-based comedies. There is a renaissance of independent film happening right now and if you aren't seeking out gems like this you are missing out. You want more? How about Dustin Hoffman, Scarlett Johansson, John Lequizamo, and Robert Downey Jr.? If that doesn't get you in the door then I dunno what else to say.

‪#‎chef‬

MEMORIAL DAY 7-FILM MINI-REVIEW ROUND-UP!

 

MEMORIAL DAY 7-FILM MINI-REVIEW ROUND-UP:

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

★★★★ out of ★★★★★

The first fully-realized X-Men movie that finally takes its cues from the successful Marvel Studios AVENGERS franchise and successfully adapts a clas...sic storyline from the comics. Surprisingly smart and deftly shifts in tone and pacing between the decades. Best of all, director Bryan Singer did something that the directing of Amazing Spider-Man 2 should take a cue from -- he lets the character moments breathe and allows the actors to do their thing. When you surround the story with actors of the caliber miraculously assembled for this film, you better damn well let them act.

The heart of the film is the younger version of Xavier, who has lost his sense of purpose at that point in his life. Most interesting of all was the emphasis on Mystique/Raven who becomes the singular most important mutant on Earth and whose actions lead to the dystopian deadly future (10 years from now) the X-Men are trying to prevent from coming into being by sending Wolverine's mind back in time to his younger body.

Much has been made about the "reset switch" ending, but even without spoilering the details on that, I have to admit that I am completely okay with it. I have always enjoyed the X-Men films but they have suffered from a lack of cohesion and long-term vision. The benefit this film has is that now Marvel Studios has demonstrated that you can approach these super-hero franchise films with an eye towards building a larger universe and with longterm planning. It does not completely remove the other films from continuity for without them occurring, then the events that happened to rewrite history would never have happened. So, they are important pieces of a future that will never happen now (or will be different).

FIRST CLASS plus this film set up a future successful franchise with a closer adherence to the spirit of the comics themselves and I am glad to see it. This was a movie that was a hell of a lot better than it had any right to be.

#xmendaysoffuturepast

THE GERMAN DOCTOR

★★★★ out of ★★★★★
 

A chilling Argentinian film (with subtitles) about the infamous psychopathic Nazi "Angel of Death" Josef Mengele after he escaped to Argentina after World War 2. The story itself is fictional but it is wrapped up in actual history, specifically about a female Nazi hunter working for the Mossad who tracked Mengele down to Argentina around 1960 and was found dead after Mengele escaped capture.

The film is about a young family who open up a lodging home in the mountains so that the artisan father can focus on his baby doll design work. Their oldest daughter is a teenager who has a genetic disorder preventing her from progressing into puberty at a normal pace. A mysterious, but charming, German Doctor comes to stay at their lodge and becomes interested in her and her family. As he over-involves himself in their lives he becomes somewhat obsessed while crafting a co-dependency between all of them.

What makes this film so chilling is the charismatically charming performance of Àlex Brendemühl as Mengele. He captures the mind of a true psychopath replete with the magnetism and cold, but not dangerous demeanor. When things fall apart and his self-control begins to slip so we catch glimpses of the evil in him it is both fascinating and repulsive. We hate ourselves for liking him and getting drawn into his web.

An excellent film that just flows smoothly like a well-written novel.

 #thegermandoctor

NEIGHBORS

★ out of ★★★★★
 

There is nothing redeeming in this film. It only earns 1 star because there are a couple of laugh-out-loud slapstick moments. The movie assumes that every person on the planet is just a huge pile of excrement with no value, no morals, and no character.

The two worst parents on the planet suffer the indignity of having the worst fraternity on the planet move next door. What follows is just a series of patently unfunny bullshit in which I wanted to call CPS on them after the third or fourth time that their baby was simply left at home alone in her crib all night.

Revolting.
#neighbors

ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE

★★★1/2 out of ★★★★★
 

Fascinating vampire movie by director Jim Jarmusch and starring Tom Hiddleston, Tilda Swinton, and John Hurt. Really, that pedigree is enough to justify going to see this one.

It's slow-moving and eccentric. It felt less like a vampire movie and more like one of those odd little short stories you get in the occasional vampire anthology book. It really is not about vampires but is using vampires as a plot device to comment on the human condition. It's no mistake that Hiddleston's character is holed up a decaying brick home in the abandoned urban Detroit area. The modern decay is reflective of his own spiritual decay.

The movie is not "beautiful", but there is dark beauty in it. It is mostly absurdly funny in the blackest of black comedic ways. I enjoyed the love between Adam (Hiddleston) and Eve (Swinton) and it was interesting to see how they were stronger together than apart.

This film is not going to set the world on fire, but it is definitely worth your investment of time if you get a chance.

#onlyloversleftalive

THE RETRIEVAL

★★★★★ out of ★★★★★
 

One of the best films of the year. It's a gut-wrenching film set during the Civil War with a young black boy who is used by a white Bounty Hunter gang to retrieve escaped slaves and bring them back for a fee.

He gets sent, with his unscrupulous uncle, to retrieve a freed slave for a huge retrieval fee but over the course of long trek back they bond together and the boy is put in an excruciatingly difficult position.

The directing and the acting in this movie are fantastic and emotionally real. It is painful to watch at times but only because you, as the viewer, are so caught up in the boy Will (Ashton Sanders) and his youthful guilt and shame. He is being forced to grow up faster than his heart and mind can keep up.

Highly recommended.

#theretrieval

PARTICLE FEVER

★★★★ out of ★★★★★
 

Very simply the best documentary about the launch of the Large Hadron Collider you'll probably ever see.

For a science nerd like me, I couldn't really ask for more. The film follows the lengthy years-long process of getting the Collider built, and the key scientists involved in it. Before long, and through some quite clever opportunities for explanations to us lay-people, we find ourselves emotionally caught up in the moment when they finally discovered the almost mythical Higgs boson (or God Particle).

If you just said to yourself "What's the Higgs boson?" then I suggest you should be required to watch this movie. You can thank me later.

#particlefever

TRANSCENDENCE

★ out of ★★★★★
 

One of the worst films I've seen this year. It makes the fatal flaw of being relentlessly boring and just plain stupid.

This emotionally overwrought sci-fi flick just makes poor story choices after poor story choices after poor story choices in an attempt to engage us in its cautionary tale of the Singularity -- when artificial intelligence surpasses human intelligence. In this case, it starts with the death of a visionary scientist played by Johnny Depp whose brain patterns were captured and incorporated into a computer program.

As he evolves, all manner of stupid stuff happens. The movie also stars Paul Bettany, Amy Adams, and Morgan Freeman but they're all wasted on a ridiculous script saying obscenely stupid dialogue. Really, don't waste your time on this one unless you need something to help you battle insomnia.

#transcendence